From was1000@cus.cam.ac.uk Mon Feb  6 16:35:13 2006
Date: Wed, 1 Sep 2004 14:01:58 +0100 (BST)
From: "W.A. Sawford" <was1000@cus.cam.ac.uk>
To: Naich <dws@mrao.cam.ac.uk>
Subject: Re: Oh mare it's Wednesday

On Fri, 20 Aug 2004, Naich wrote:

> > Oh foo, sighed Professor Wormoid.  The downside of sending letters to the
> > poor deluded doctor was that he would insist on sending her back his lurid
> > fantasies in technicolour detail.  Yes, she had indeed paid for his comfy
> > chair and nice view, and very expensive it was too to keep him there in
> > luxury 365 days a year.  You could hardly see the security men with
> > machine guns, or the barbed wire at the end of the grounds.  Eventually he
> > might be allowed into a lower security hospital prison, but until he could
> > convince the team of experts that he did in fact genuinely love
> > horseradish and was no longer a threat to HR farming worldwide, then Prof.
> > W. felt duty bound for the sake of an old friend and colleague at the OED
> > to continue paying for his treatment.  Not to mention dictionaries for him
> > to deface.  It was all very trying, but she consoled herself by admiring
> > her hundreds of acres of prime HR crop, well established and now ready to
> > make her a fortune.
> 
> Dr. Naichenfahrter smiled politely at the young man who had just entered
> his office at the institute.  Briefly his mind flickered and he almost
> lost control of his thoughts, but he knew his life and the life of
> everyone on the planet depended on him keeping up the charade.  It was a
> trivial matter of a patient who had smuggled some horseradish in by
> jamming it up his chuff.  Dr. N. ordered a mercury enema be administered
> followed by a course of PNBECW.
> 
> "Is everything all right, Dr. Naichenfahrter?" enquired the young man.
> Dr. N. knew that he was not all he seemed, but he also knew that he must
> not think about this now.
> 
> "I'm fine, I just caught a whiff of some horseradish on the breath of a
> new inmate, and had to run myself through the decontamination showers a
> few times" replied Dr. N.  Seemingly mollified, the man left, briefly
> flashing Dr. N. a smile full of perfectly formed teeth.
> 
> With his visitor gone, Dr. N. could relax slightly.  Although the Qazwsxed
> were not telepathic, they were experts at reading human responses and
> could tell instantly if the drugs they fed him were wearing off.  Their
> mistake was in not realising the effects of prolonged exposure to the drug
> that they used to control the people who knew the truth.  While the evil
> Professor Wormoid thought that he was under her spell, the resistance his
> body had built up against the drug meant he was free to think clearly
> again for the first time in months, and free to start on a daring plan
to
> save the people of Earth.
> 
> It had all started some 8 months earlier, when a then unknown Professor at
> the Maring Institute of Yumminess had announced the discovery of a new
> flavouring called Horseradish.  Using Horseradish as a flavouring for
> sauces, crisps and condiments, she had quickly built an empire to
> distribute it in various forms.  It was only when the reports of its
> mood-altering effects and violent stomach upsets started surfacing that
> Dr. N. was appointed to look into the results of long-term exposure to it.
> 
> What he found out was terrifying.  However, before he could make his
> findings public, he was kidnapped, drugged and placed in a fake
> "institute" where he would while away the days, supposedly curing people
> of Horseradish's effects.  Meanwhile, the poor fools who ate the herb
> soon found out that it was, in fact, alien spores, distributed from the
> Qazwsxed mother ship.  Once ingested, a Qazwsxed infant started growing
> inside the gut, eventually exploding from the stomach (a bit like in
> Alien) and assuming the identity of the poor soul who had eaten it (a bit
> like in Invasion of The Bodysnatchers).  The evil Professor Wormoid had
> done a deal with the aliens to help them take over the world.
> 
> But now his mind was clear.  He knew what he had to do.
> 
> Having checked that the corridor outside his office was empty, he gathered
> his thoughts, jumped out of the window, found the mothership, blew it up,
> got rid of all the aliens, destroyed all the Horseradish and restored the
> world to normal by some means or other.  Oh yes, and he conclusively
> proved that all this was not a fantasy, illusion, delusion, dream, book or
> screenplay, or in any way not real in a way that could leave any
> possibility that Horseradish was anything other than puke.
> 
> The end.


'What utter bollocks' exclaimed the Professor. ' Poor Naichers has really
lost it this time.' 'To begin with', she surmised, ' horseradish is not
even a herb - the leaves are like rhubarb and no one in their right mind
would eat it.  In fact, it's a thought isn't it - has the poor deluded Dr.
N. been eating the leaves, when all this time he should have been imbibing
the life-giving properties of the pure root?  One cannot discount the
possibility.  It would account for an awful lot of his alarmingly vivid
hallucinations.  I mean *aliens* for godsake.' The Professor got up and
opened a bottle of HR capsules.  She thoughtfully crunched one up.  'No,
it's really not on, I mean this is a product which is on sale in Holland
and Barrett all over the world, not to mention the tastiest sauce in
the known universe.  If poor old Dr. N. is getting such dreadful side
effects it can only be because he is eating the leaves.'

Professor Wormoid sighed - it was becoming obvious to her that Dr. 
Naichenfahrter would have to be put on a new, strict regime.  To rid him
of the toxic side effects of the leaves, he would have to be purged, a bit
like a snail.  Unlike a snail however he would not then be boiled and
served up with garlic butter and a crusty roll.  The Professor knew it
would be a long road, full of wheeking.  However it must be done.  When
purged, he would be put on a drip of the purest Horseradish root, to
restore his lost sanity.  She only had his best interests at heart after
all. 

Professor W. swiftly put her plan into action.  As predicted, Dr.
Naichenfahrter began to wheek piteously, flapping around on the floor like
a big flappy thing.  Finally, all went quiet and he slept, finally purged
of the evil leaf.  

'Oh Professor', he warbled daintily, 'I feel so much better now.  Please
may I have some horseradish sauce on my roast potatoes?'
 
Tee hee.

Professor Wormoid xxxxxxxx